This week, I have been thinking a lot about Ivan Illych, the central character in Leo Tolstoy’s novella, The Death of Ivan Illych.
This was partly because we spent two days at the work fellowship learning about relationships, and partly because, yet another friend quit social media after she went through a particularly bad experience that made her realise she didn’t have real friends on social media.
Well, let me tell you about Ivan Illych, before I continue with my reflections on relationships.
Tolstoy writes about a man whose life crashes just when he thinks it has started. Going by the standards of the 19th century when the book was first published, Ivan, a high ranking official in the Judiciary (maybe in Kenya’s standards he’d be the Director of Public Prosecutions) lives perfectly for The Gram.
He hangs out with the right squad, at the right locations… Let’s just say everything about his life is instagrammable. When we are introduced to Ivan, his death has just been announced.
Those he devoted his life to, aka fake friends, are discussing the promotions his death will occasion for them. Let that sink in.
Ivan Ilych valued the wrong things throughout his life. His problem is tied to his desire to look cool and fit in, basically ‘doing things for The Gram.’
For example, he married a wife he did not love and who clearly didn’t love him back because she belonged to the ‘right’ family and fits well with Ivan’s aspirations of class.
This applies to his friendships as well. Instead of investing in genuine relationships, in friendships that truly matter, and caring for his family, he spent his life mingling with people of high society who did not care about him, but who only entertained him because his position suited their social strata.
The book is poignant and invites me to truly interrogate if I spend my time with people who truly matter.
Humans are innately social beings, which means we were created to connect with others, in one shape or form. As we get older, we discover the kind of people we want to keep as friends, depending on values, interests and other such factors.
But there is also something bigger we discover: Not every relationship carries the same weight. Some people you encounter in life come to help us fulfil crucial life assignments while other connections are merely seasonal.
That is why we need wisdom to distinguish between general friendships and relationships that could be tied to our destinies. The speaker at the fellowship (the Head of Marketing) called such relationships “destiny relationships”.
They include relationships with our parents, siblings, mentors, children or spouses, and so on.
That session also made me think about the dangers of failing to pay attention to critical relationships in our lives – not calling that aunt who is always there for us, forgetting to text that friend who never misses our big milestones or not checking up on our siblings.
Our generation is especially at risk of glossing over important relationships because of how increasingly possible it is to replace real life interactions with likes and double taps.
I have a challenge for you: Do you know your tier 1 and tier 2 relationships? Using a house analogy: Who are the friends you only allow into your living room? And who are the friends you can allow not just into your living room but bedroom and kitchen as well?
Nurturing solid relationships needs genuine interest and honest effort. This doesn’t mean falling over yourself to duplicate everything your friend does for you. It means being present in your own way for your friends and family.
Do not be that person who has time to reply to 500 comments on TikTok but you do not have even five minutes to return your friend’s missed call.
If you had an emergency, who is likely to come to your aid? A random person who commented twice on your reel, or your sister who is always cheering you on? I am not saying close down your social media accounts.
However, do not lose yourself or the people who truly care about you while chasing after a crowd that will so willingly drop you for the next shiny thing that shows up.
In the same way you expect your friends and family to be loyal to you and to always have your back, use the same standard in the way that you interact and treat people.
