MOORESVILLE, N.C. — Lowe’s executives announced plans to introduce a 14-foot tall Glenn Danzig ahead of the upcoming Halloween season, confirmed multiple sources following a shareholder’s meeting.
“The runaway success of Home Depot’s 12-foot skeleton caught everyone off guard. We knew we had to respond and that, whatever it was, it needed to be two feet taller,” said Lowe’s CEO Marvin Ellison. “After months of analysis, focus groups, concept testing, and product design, we finally landed on 14-foot Glenn Danzig, and let me tell you, we are excited. What says Halloween more than the guy who wrote the lyrics to ‘Halloween’ and also ‘Halloween II’?”
Local punk, Cara Daniels, is beyond thrilled to purchase a giant Danzig of her own, despite living in an 800-square-foot studio apartment with a roommate who “fucking sucks.”
“I am so stoked for 14-foot Glenn Danzig,” said Daniels. “I never give a shit about the stuff they sell at Lowes, but this is definitely the one exception. Have you heard they’re selling accessories so you can customize your Glenn? You can buy a devilock for Misfits-era Glenn or longer hair for the Samhain/Danzig-era Glenn. Lowe’s is selling leather pants, fishnet tanks, skull belt buckles, and leather gloves too! When this drops, I’m blowing a whole paycheck.”
“And I swear to fucking God, if my roommate ruins this for me, I’m done,” added Daniels. “He’s such a poser—‘Where’s a 14-foot Glenn Danzig gonna fit in our tiny apartment?’ Shut up, dork!”
Alexis Willis, an economist at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, specializes in Halloween economics and is the author of “Big Bones, Bigger Profits: How Home Depot’s 12-Foot Skeleton Changed America.”
“Halloween is a multi-billion-dollar juggernaut and it’s only getting bigger,” said Willis. “So far, Home Depot has been able to dominate in the production and sale of giant seasonal decorations. The 12-foot skeleton was a game changer, and no one has been able to quite catch up. Despite the excitement of some, I doubt giant Glenn Danzig is going to be the type of seller Lowes will need to keep pace with their rival. This is especially true given that Home Depot just announced plans for a 16-foot Danny Marianino.”
At press time, the real Glenn Danzig is still listed as 5’3”.
